Jealousy : A witnessing

I am feeling jealous.
I woke up with these strong, overwhelming feelings toward someone I know. It almost paralysed me. But I chose to get up and observe them.

Why?

Because it's not just jealousy.
It's this sharp, biting emotion that makes me feel less. Less worthy, less smart, slow, and all the wrong things about myself. That’s what disturbs me. That whatever I’m trying to do now, what if it’s not good enough? What if this person takes my space, shadows me, speaking about the very things I do, the things that make me appear wise to the world?

What if I lose that?

What if this person achieves the very dream I’ve nurtured for so long?

It hurts.

And it makes me question:
Why do I do what I do in life?
Is it because I want to look wise?
Do I want people to see me as someone better than themselves?
Am I someone who just figured out something extraordinary and unique?
Am I special in any way?
Do I want my actions to reflect that I am special, wise, the most loving, the best?

Even writing this, this confession, fills me with a sense of ego.
An ego that’s creating chaos in my head and mentally crushing everything I’ve worked on.
I feel defeated.

If it were only jealousy, I’d have reacted compulsively. I’d have let it stay, then searched for ways to put myself ahead of them. I’d have imagined myself in a race, one they never signed up for, a race only in my mind, looping endlessly.

But NO!

I don’t want to do that.

I’ve never allowed jealousy to take the best of me.
NEVER!

So today, I’m choosing something different. I’m choosing awareness.
I’m observing it. I’m writing down every feeling, every flickering thought as it rises.
Not for anyone. Not even for myself.
But to try to understand.
Because lying in bed thinking wasn’t helping. I kept spiralling, from jealousy to worthlessness to paralysis to wanting to “do something about it” and back again.

And pretending I don’t feel jealous? Telling myself “I’m better than that”?
That doesn’t work either.
It’s a lie.

Because I do feel jealous.

So today, I’m choosing Truth. Honesty.
I’m letting the thoughts pour through as they are.
Unedited. Unfiltered.

Yes, there’s a part of me that wants this writing to sound profound by the end.
A small voice saying, “Wow, this woman is so amazing, look how well she handled her jealousy.”
But I silence that voice every time it appears.
Because that’s not why I’m doing this.

I’m trying to understand what’s happening to me and how to deal with it.
Because only I can.

And to be honest, I don’t know where this is going.

I’m not keeping track of the word count because maybe it needs to fit somewhere. A social platform.
It might get posted. It might not.
Right now?
I don’t care! Arghh.. 😠

There are people I could turn to. People whose wisdom has always guided me.
I might talk to them.
There’s a Swamiji whose words always humble me. I’m searching his YouTube channel, looking for something that might help.

But deep down, I know,
No one else can give me the full answer.

Because I have to go through this.
I have to feel it in my chest, sit with it, and decide how the rest of my day will go.

If I let jealousy decide for me, I’d still be lying in bed.
But it didn’t.
I did.

I feel this is something I need to work with in my Yog Sadhana. And it;s good that it came to the surface again. Right in my face!
All the scriptures, the Upanishads, Yoga Sutras, every teaching from every Guru and teacher I’ve been blessed to learn from, are telling me:

"See!! This too, you must grow beyond. This is what we mean when we say: Do not let the senses and emotions control you. You must be in control. Not easy, is it?"

It’s hard work.
But I’ll do it.

I refuse to let jealousy define my worth.

All the Vedic and Yogic scriptures also speak of surrender to Parmatma, Shakti, Ishwara, whichever forces run this existence.
That same force is also working through the other person I’m jealous of.
They are divine too!

Knowing that, truly knowing that is not easy.
Trust me its not that easy to KNOW this, than just to say it.

Did writing this help me defeat jealousy?

Not necessarily.
I still feel defeated by it.
At least today.

Tomorrow might be different.

I am asking the most difficult questions again:
Who am I? Who are we? Why all this sufferings?

If I am trying to make space in the world with my work, especially to help others, what is it for?

Why do I exist?
Why do we engage in intellectual discourses?
What is it we’re trying to help others see?

What is it all for, truly?

The one thing that has always stayed constant in my life is this seeking.
These questions around existence.
And I really want to know.

Because without that, I feel like I’m only looking for temporary fixes.
And in every era, every realm, those fixes will look different.

But what is it that holds all of it together?

I don’t know.

I think I should stop here for today.
I trust that the Ishwara, the Guru within, will guide me, as they always have.

I surrender.
I surrender. 😭 🙇‍♀️